I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE