I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
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My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
This forever.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.