You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
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6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I gave up going to work for lent.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly