friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
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Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”