Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
You Might Also Like
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
PARKOUR
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*