Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
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When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?