What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
You Might Also Like
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Wise advice
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.