Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
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I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.