This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?