A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
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Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
This is a bad sign
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
“We will wed,” I threatened
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.