Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
You Might Also Like
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy