burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
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My therapist after every session
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf