Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
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This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.