Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
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yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
the #horror is real!
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog