Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce