we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room