Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
life finds a way
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.