I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
guilty
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*