Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
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I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW