Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
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Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Woke up against my better judgement again
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?