Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
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I love the National Park Service.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Put this video in the Louvre
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Food gives you energy to nap more.