My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
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Me: I鈥檇 kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I鈥檇 rather do murder
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Meat Cute
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
when girls eat strawberries it鈥檚 like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it鈥檚 weird???? ok
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
馃幍 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 馃幍
If you read the bible in reverse, it鈥檚 about the world鈥檚 population killing each other until there鈥檚 only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
鈥淐ount on it.”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Me: Let鈥檚 go shopping
Him: Let鈥檚 stay home
Me: Let鈥檚 talk about our feelings
Him: Let鈥檚 go shopping
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast