My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
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The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV