Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.