@PFTompkins

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

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@PettyRuxpin83

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

@whatsJo

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

@Bedlam_Beersie

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

@MikeHornick

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

@NYC_Blonde

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

@Proxic0n

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

@simoncholland

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

@sweetmomissa

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

@Parentpains

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.