Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
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Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Raisins are grape jerky.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me