My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
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I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.