Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Me checking my bank balance online.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine