Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
You Might Also Like
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle