“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.