Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?