The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
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Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.