Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan