Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Me checking my bank balance online.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime