Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14