Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
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an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Safety first
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Not all heroes wear capes…
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.