interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
pls suprot
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies