BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.