A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?