WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.