[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.