My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
#gardening
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!