#gardening
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The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Simple enough.
Candles never taste the way they smell
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon