Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
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Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.