i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
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*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!