Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
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“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.