If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
May have had one breakfast too many
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.