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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
they split up moments later
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I got bills
They’re multiplying