@NikiWithIssues

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

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@shadygrenade

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

@HallpassCanada

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

@dumbbeezie

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

@StcyBnsn

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

@_theigirl

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

@The_Sculptress

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

@CAshmanActor

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

@BigBec43

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

@NotthatAdamWest

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.