I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

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*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]


The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.


Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask


Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”


Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.


I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.


[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one


Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver


“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*


The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.