*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
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Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*