*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

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What are you listening to?
The Who
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?


Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*


Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.


I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride


When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.


*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”


Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.


My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.


Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.