Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*seductively peels off lederhosen
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I bet birds love this building.