If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
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How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.