My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
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Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
new record!
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Monday
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.