The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
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My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”