A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing